Parenting a Student through that first year: First Semester suggestions
Some suggestions...
from the VSU Counseling Center
- Use the Summer to begin the transition. Continue to expand your role of consultant/cheerleader. Have as many adult-to-almost adult discussions with your student as possible. Have these types of discussions about day-to-day issues, such as curfews, and about larger issues, such as finances.
- Network with others to establish connections. Make an effort to meet parents of roommates and classmates. They can provide an invaluable “support group’ of people having the same experiences.
- Say goodbye before the last minute. Once your child is on campus, he/she is already making that important separation from you. Spend some time to celebrate your excitement and pride before bringing your child to campus to begin classes. Let your son or daughter know how much you will miss them.
- Don't ask if they're homesick. The power of suggestion could be dangerous. They are bound to feel a little homesick or at least a little uncomfortable. Just reassure them that this is normal and expected. They are not the only ones!
- Write (even if they don't write back). There is nothing worse than an empty mailbox day after day. Write a short note; send a card, anything to help fill the box. E-mail is an excellent resource for parents. Please urge your son or daughter to get the email account set up so that we can all start communicating!
- Take Care of Yourself. Recognize that feelings of ambivalence about your child’s leaving home are normal. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up. Make “overall wellness” a goal for yourself. Be proud of yourself for providing your child with this priceless opportunity. Find new creative outlets for yourself. Questions should be asked with the right intention (and the right tone). Students have a tendency to react negatively to the "I-have-the-right-to-know" approach, but they always like to feel that you care and are interested in what's happening to them. It's a fine line to walk, so listen for cues from them.
- Expect change. Your son or daughter will inevitably change as a result of the time she or he spends at college. They are meeting new people, having new experiences, making decisions on their own, re-examining their values. Change at this age is most often for the best, but you are the parent. If the change seems abnormally drastic, see #6. Otherwise, just try to remember that change is usually natural and healthy.
- Recognize that a rescue is likely not necessary. For some reason, our children like to unload the bad stuff and don't often call to crow about the good. So you get the call about the bad grade or the pathetic social life or the awful roommate and then, typically, after they purge themselves of this burden of tears, you are left feeling awful and they promptly go about their business. Listen, advise, sympathize, relate similar experiences of your own, and don't take it too hard. They need someone to tell it to, and you are (and should be) a dependable resource. You are, however, the best judge of when your child is in serious distress. And if, however, over time you notice that your student is not coping well, you should recommend that he/she seek assistance from the resources available here at VSU.
- Visit (but not too often). New students are sometimes reluctant to admit it, but they do like those occasional visits and dinners out. It's best to plan these outings, however, so that no one is left feeling uncomfortable about timing (students do have many obligations!). So call ahead and plan a visit.
- Don't tell them that these are the best years of their lives. As wonderful as so much of the college experience is, there are aspects of it that are frightening and disappointing, too. Don't make them feel like they are the strange ones if they are feeling insecure, unhappy, indecisive or confused. These feelings are part of the growth process we mentioned earlier, and they don't feel good. If students think that they should be enjoying every minute of their time in college, they will wonder what is wrong with them. Just accept and try to understand the ups and downs, support their efforts to get through them, and show your love and encouragement whenever it is needed.
- Trust them. And Trust Your Parenting. Let them know that you have faith that they will come to the right answers, that it is o.k. for them to be second-guessing themselves, and that you support their decisions. They are more likely to turn to you for advice and avoid some pitfalls if they feel that you trust them and respect their judgement. Students who feel trusted become more self-confident, more assertive, and better able to say “no”.
- Maintain a Resource File. This file can be invaluable if you need to recommend that your student seek assistance from the resources available here at VSU. It also may be helpful to remind your son or daughter that adults are not too proud to ask for help when it is needed.
- Take Care of Yourself. Recognize that feelings of ambivalence about your child’s leaving home are normal. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up. Make “overall wellness” a goal for yourself. Be proud of yourself for providing your child with this priceless opportunity. Find new creative outlets for yourself.
There's more- Second Semester Need to Knows!